


when i’m cold

by Spoondrift



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, capitalization scares me, hyunjin would die for felix, lapslock, non-au, poor felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoondrift/pseuds/Spoondrift
Summary: felix just wants to be good enough
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Lee Felix & Seo Changbin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 223





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve written fics for years but never posted them cuz i always hate how they turn out aha but i gotta start somewhere  
> sorry if this is awful ><

felix never understood his sister. as a kid he remembered seeing her post pictures of ultra thin women everywhere. the bathroom mirror, the fridge, you name it. he watched her eat nothing but an apple a day for a whole month. she was being foolish, obviously, and he expected his parents to put a stop to it. 

they didn’t.

only compliments rewarded when she became stick thin. they praised her hard work and dedication. 

eventually she ate like normal again and her smile came back. but whenever she put on a bit of weight, it was back to the pictures and the apples. 

felix asked her once why she would put herself through that much pain. she smiled and told him that no one was born beautiful, you make yourself that way. 

“beauty is pain,” she giggled. felix thought she was crazy.

~~~

felix had never felt pain so intense when he was eliminated from the survival show. they said he was lacking. and they were right, he was lacking. not only was he bad at korean and talentless, he was also ugly. he was a failure and had let his brothers down.

he didn’t eat for four days after that. the weight loss was unintentional. so when jyp called him back in his office to offer a second chance, he figured it must have been because he dropped the pounds. finally he had done something right.  it was confirmed when the staff complimented him on how good he looked. finally, something he could control. if losing weight was what it took to be with his brothers, he would never eat again.

~~~

“oi felix! up and at em!” 

the freckled boy groaned and buried his face into his pillow. he hated early practice. 

“coming,” his muffled into the fabric. slowly he pushed his body off the mattress, only to be crushed by a sudden weight. 

“hyunjin i swear to god-“ he wheezed. the taller responded by tickling his sides furiously. felix elbowed him hard in the ribs, evoking a loud yelp. 

“bully.” hyunjin pouted, sitting back. felix rolled over and smiled, “that’s what you get.”

hyunjin sighed and reluctantly got up, felix right behind him. he dragged his feet to the kitchen grabbing his favourite cereal.

munching tiredly he mindlessly started scrolled through twitter. he mainly used to app to secretly follow fan accounts. his feed was filled with stunning pictures from their last concert that made them all look ethereal. he smiled, happy with how well he’s been doing. he was finally gaining recognition for his dancing and his fan base was growing. 

he clicked on a full body shot of just him, wanting to save the picture to his phone. his eyes trailed down to the comments. he knows he should avoid them but his curiosity always overtook his rationality. plus they were all positive, nothing to worry about. until the word ‘fatty’ appeared in his scrolling. he paused on the comment. there were no replies underneath. clicking on their profile he saw the icon was of hyunjin, their bio read ot8. his heart sunk.  _not again_ ,  he sighed. he looked through their posts and confirmed that it was indeed another hate account. against him. he never seemed to find ones for the other members, thankfully. rather him than them, he could take it. it still hurt though. 

“felix you almost done?” 

he looked up not realizing how much time had passed. his cereal was soggy at this point but he wasn’t hungry anymore now. “ yeah.” he got up and put his dish in the sink. 

~~~

at practice he tried not to let his mind wander.  _you’re doing well,_ he reminded himself. he had kept good control of his weight, skipping lunch and only eating a small portion of breakfast and dinner every day.  _you’re not fat you made sure of that_. in fact, he was bordering an underweight bmi. but so was most of the group so he figured it wasn’t an issue.

as the day went on his mind wouldn’t quiet. _fatty._ the words were seared in his mind. no matter what he used to distract himself, his thoughts kept interrupting. _it was one comment lay off. one comment? try a whole profile. did you see their followers? hundreds. hundreds of people think your fat. hundreds of people hate you._ he shook his head to himself. he’d been so careful. _you know how to fix it. you’re in control, you decide. just stop eating. make them not hate you. just for a little bit. _he couldn’t argue out of his own logic. _okay, just for a little bit._

the next two weeks were normal, aside the fact he had slipped into his old habits. waking up late every morning so he skipped breakfast, staying late at the studio so he missed dinner. telling eveyone he already ate lunch. he made sure he ate enough food to not pass out, nothing more. 

and it was working, he dropped nearly 15 pounds in two weeks.  drastic, maybe. but he was proud of himself.

_ you’re doing well. _

~~~

“oi felix! seriously this is getting ridiculous you need to get up.”

felix groaned at his leader’s nagging tone. he was finding it harder to get up each day, his energy so depleted. 

“comi-aHH,” he wheezed. a familiar weight crushing him again. he squirmed as his sides underwent the relentless torment of hyunjins hands. reaching his arms up he weakly tried to shove his offender off but gave up midway. the tickling abruptly stopped.

“sorry did i hurt you? felix are you ok?” concern laced his words. “are you sick?” the younger shook his head. 

“i’m fine, just a bit tired,” he sighed. hyunjin moved so he was straddling the others thighs, leaning forward to place a hand on his forehead.

“you don’t feel hot,” he moved closer so he was fully in his lap. “ow your hips are so bony,” he whined. felix felt a swell of pride at his words. “you’re so skinny lix, have you been eating enough?”

he reached out to touch others collarbone, half teasing. his gasped when he felt the protruding bone. he traced it with his fingers and a horrible feeling grew in his gut.

not registering yet what hyunjin was doing felix had his eyes closed, enjoying the touch. he had avoided getting physically close with any of the members for weeks as to not create a repeat of the last time he had lost so much weight. now he couldn’t help but welcome the contact, as touch starved as he was. 

hyunjin reached to lift the hem of felix’s shirt and pulled it up past his chest. his eyes went wide as felix abruptly sat up pushing him away.

“what the fuck jin get off.” his face was red as he glared at the other. hyunjins eyes were still wide. 

“lix, what.. your ribs.” he stumbled over his words, scared for the other. the boy had looked skeletal. they just stared at each other and hyunjin studied his face, noticing just how hollow and sunken his features were. 

angry that he’d been found out, felix got up and stormed into the bathroom locking the door behind him.  _idiot. be more careful. what are you doing to do_ _now?_ he looked at himself in the mirror. reaching down he lifted his shirt, scoffing at his reflection.  _he really thinks this is a problem? you’re still fat. _seeing as the negative comments hadn’t let up yet he again couldn’t argue with his mind. 

he nodded at himself and went to get ready for the day. he just had to avoid hyunjin for a while, it would be fine.  _just until the comments stop._

~~~

all week he’d been avoiding hyunjins gaze. all week he’d felt concerning eyes tracking his every move. every time hyunjin tried to catch him alone, he’d find a way out. it wasn’t until friday’s practice did it become a problem.

both boys were on edge and the others could feel the tension in the room. felix had slipped up for the fourth time in a row, making them restart the song each time. 

“felix come on we’ll be here all day,” minho glared at him. felix was bent over heaving for air, the others not better off. he was quickly running out of energy from the meer half of an orange he ate that morning. and if that wasn’t hard enough he was constantly feeling the burning glare hyunjin kept sending his way, making him lose focus. he felt suffocated and tired, and now guilty for not being able to pull his weight.

“quit being lazy and focus. we’re all tired and we can’t have you holding us back.” it was chan this time, words burning like fire in felix’s mind. it hurt knowing he was the problem. it hurt knowing how hard he was working to be enough for the fans, enough for the team. that no matter how much weight he lost it seemed he was still lacking. he blinked through the sting in his eyes and stood back up.

“it won’t happen again, hyung.” his words monotone. eyes hard with determination he got back into position. he stared at his reflection, blocking everything else around him out. the music started again and he felt energy surge through him. his body was filled with adrenaline from the anger he directed at himself. he felt possessed with determination to prove his worth, dancing with a fierceness he usually reserved for the stage.

once the song ended he could feel his chest constricting with the pain of overwork. he stood there, muscles screaming as he looked at the others. everyone was collapsed or getting a drink, he was the only one left standing.

“finally,” chan muttered in frustration. felix’s eyes stayed trained on him, watching as he left the practice room to get water. his words stung. felix felt eyes on him again and flickered his gaze to hyunjin, who was watching him intently. his face showed obvious concern at chan’s words and felix looked down.

suddenly he felt hot and dizzy, the exhaustion was catching up with him. he quickly fell into a crouch and squeezed his eyes shut.  don’t you dare faint.

“you okay? you don’t look so good,” seungmin placed a hand on his shoulder. felix stayed silent as he tried to focus on not passing out. a water bottle was placed in his hand and he gladly guzzled the cool liquid. he opened his eyes to see hyunjin kneeled in front of him. suddenly his blood was boiling. why wouldn’t he just leave him alone? he was going to tell them what he was doing, he needed to back off. felix roughly shoved the other, making him fall back. a hurt expression overtook his face.

“i told you to back off,” felix all but growled. hyunjin looked about ready to cry.

“yah felix what the hell! what was that for?” seungmin shoved him in the chest. felix was too tired to care at this point. his chest burned and felt unbearably tight. his mind was foggy and all he could feel was anger and a headache. he glared at seungmin and stormed towards the door, but was stopped by a muscled arm blocking his exit.

“move, hyung.” the arm grabbed his shoulder and forcefully turned him toward his offender. changbin looked pissed.

“you think this is cute? you don’t focus during practice, and when people try to check up on you, you hurt them. what the fuck is wrong with you?” he was seething. felix looked over at hyunjin, now staring at him with glossy eyes. felix immediately softened his expression as he glanced around at the others in the room. everyone was looking at him with either shock or anger. he felt his breath quicken and was suddenly lightheaded. 

“no i just, litsten i didn’t mean it-“ he fumbled over his words. he felt his eyes sting as he looked back to hyunjin. the other met his eyes then looked down at the floor. felix felt his heart wrench. he looked back to changbin and took a step back, body suddenly cold.  he turned and burst through the door, needing to get out. 

he ran down the hallway into the bathroom. he fell against the wall sliding to his knees. head hung low with shame, he let the tears fall.  _you hurt him, you hurt your best friend and now he hates you. they all hate you. you’re still fat and ugly. they’re going to kick you out. they never wanted you in the first place. did you hear chan? your own leader thinks you’re lazy and that you hold everyone back. you failed. again._ he covered his ears and sobbed harder. he couldn’t do anything right.

he didn’t know how much time had passed when his sobs finally died down. his head was pounding and he felt completely drained. he felt slightly hurt no one came to check on him. but what did he expect?  _you hurt them and they hate you._

with extreme difficulty he pushed himself up off the ground. he took one look at himself in the mirror and looked away. he looked absolutely wrecked. forcing his gaze back to the mirror, he lifted his shirt.  still fat.  he scowled and exited the bathroom. dread filled his mind at the thought of going back to the practice room, but he had no other choice. taking a deep breath he hardened his expression and made his way to the door, tentatively pushing it open. 

to his utter shock it was completely empty. _ how long was i gone for? _ checking his phone he saw no messages, no calls. his heart sunk. 

_ they left me.  _

he didn’t know what to do. there’s no way he could go back to the dorm now, they would only yell at him. or worse, kick him out right then and there. 

_no, you can fix this._ if he stayed and practiced for a bit longer then they’d see how serious he was. he would go and apologize to everyone in the morning. he could fix this. they won’t kick him out .  he started the music and went to his first position. 

_ i’ll prove my worth. _

~~~

he was hunched over on his knees, music blaring when the practice room door opened. felix whipped his head toward the sound and was met with the sharp glare of changbin. angry, the boy marched over to the speaker and shut the music off. he went and started packing felix’s things. neither of them spoke a word and felix was scared. his lungs were on fire and his whole body felt like he’d been jumped. he couldn’t move from his position.

“yah felix, lets go. it’s four in the morning and we have practice in a few hours. are you actually stupid?” tears dropped from the younger’s eyes as he lowered his head. it was searing and his body was shaking. he felt utterly broken from hours of damaging his muscles beyond repair. it had been hours of mental anguish, of tormenting himself into the submission of his own mind. it had been hours of feeling worthless. he was worthless. 

heavy footsteps approached and changbin sighed with frustration, “did you even hear me? come on-“ he grabbed his shoulder and upon contact, finally noticed how badly the boy was shaking. “lix?” his tone changed. he set the bag down and kneeled in front of the other. “lix are you hurt? what’s wrong, what happened? felix.” his voice had dropped any sign of anger.

“don’t kick me out hyung, please i’ll do better i’ll do anything. i’m sorry i’ll be better i’ll be better please don’t leave me-“ his rambling was cut off by his own sobs.

“what are you talking about? felix you’re not getting kicked out where did that even come from?” changbin was getting increasingly worried. 

felix curled further into himself. “c-chan hyung he said i was holding everyone back. i didn’t mean to i swear i didn’t mean to push jinnie i’m sorry tell him i’m i’m sorry.” he was beginning to hyperventilate.

“hey it’s okay, just look at me.” changbin wanted to cry seeing the other in this state. he cursed chan out under his breath. “hyunjin doesn’t hate you, he’s fine. he’s the one who begged one of us to come check up on you. he cares about you, felix. we all do. everyone has their days and this was just yours. it’s okay.” he tried to place a hand on the other’s shoulder, but was met with a violent flinch. his eyes widened “felix lets just get up and go back to the dorms, we can figure this all out there.” 

“no! you all don’t want me, you  left  me,” he was hysterical at this point. changbin’s pulse raced. he cursed again, realizing what they’d done. 

“we just thought you needed to cool off, so we gave you some space. it was nothing more than that i promise lix, we still want you home,” his voice trembled. how could he think they didn’t want him? “felix i’m sorry, hyung’s sorry.” tears fell down his face as he stood there watching his friend in such distress. 

felix started to lose energy, his cries softening to whimpers. “i’m sorry,” the broken whisper was barely audible. changbin tried to reach out again, placing a tentative hand on his shoulder. he was met with no reaction this time. pulling the younger forward he wrapped strong arms around his frame.

“i’ve got you,” he whispered into the other’s hair. felix was still shaking as changbin ran a hand up and down his back. his breath hitched when he felt how prominent his spine was under his touch. he trailed his fingers up to his shoulder blades, feeling a similar sensation. he wanted to cry. how could they have not noticed? the mood swings, the sudden outbursts. he couldn’t remember the last time he saw felix eat a full meal.  _ no wonder he couldn’t focus at practice, he’s relapsing._

he him tighter and buried his face deeper in the other’s hair. “we will get you through this, okay? i’m so sorry felix,” he choked out. the younger was unresponsive, shallow breaths ghosting over his neck. he must be exhausted.

changbin moved and felix swayed on his feet, barely feeling the older hoist him up onto his back. he completely felt out of it, but warm. he went with it. 

~~~

it seemed like only minutes had passed when they walked through the front door of the dorm building. 

hyunjin immediately looked up from where he was sitting on the couch. “lix!” he jumped and ran toward the two “felix?” his voice wavered. he stood there speechless. felix looked like he’d been hit by a truck.

changbin carried felix to the living room as the others came out from where they were resting. he let the tired boy down off his back and gently guided him to lay down on the couch. 

the others stood around him in various states of shock. “what happened?” chan was the first to speak.

changbin whirled to face him. “he’s relapsing. thats what happened. and all of us were too stupid to notice.”

chan stood stunned. “wha- he’s relapsing?” he looked down at felix, noticing how pale and hollow his face looked. he felt guilt spread through his body. “shit.”

“yeah that’s why he acted the way he did today. he was obviously exhausted and we tore him apart for it. and when he needed us the most we left him. all of us.” changbin choked on the last words. 

chan crouched down next to the couch and placed a hand on felix’s arm. “hey buddy, not feeling so good?” he tried to keep a steady voice. “i’m just gonna look at something okay? is it okay if i lift your shirt a little?” felix barely registered and gave a weak nod. he didn’t care about anything at this point, he just wanted to sleep. 

chan carefully grabbed the hem of his shirt, wincing at how soaked it felt. he lifted it up past his ribs and the whole team gasped. hyunjin and changbin looked away.

“no, felix..” jisung was heartbroken. seungmin started crying and minho looked like guilt was eating him alive.

chan pulled the shirt back down as tears streamed down his face. “i’ve been a bad hyung i’m sorry felix,” he chocked out a sob. 

changbin glanced around the room and noticed hyunjin was quiet, expression unreadable. “did you know about this?” 

hyunjin he didn’t know what to say. “i-i thought he could help him, i thought i could handle it,” he sounded frantic. “i noticed the other day but i didn’t say anything. i didn’t want to betray his trust or set him off further,” he squeezed his eyes shut. “i’m sorry i should have said something i just wanted to do the right thing..” his words were cut off as he began to cry.

“this isn’t your fault jin we all should have paid more attention,” changbin sighed placing a hand on his shoulder.

chan spoke up, “i can’t believe i let him practice for so long in his condition. he must have been punishing himself.” his eyes were dark with self loathing. 

everyone remained quiet for a beat. “what do we do now hyung?” Jisung quietly voiced. 

chan was torn from his dark thoughts. he stood up sniffling, “right. right okay, we can talk more about this later today. it’s nearing five and none of us have gotten much sleep. i’ll call manager-hyung and see if we can get today’s practice off. we all need the rest.” he rubbed a hand over his eyes, “felix must be exhausted. we should get him changed and into bed quickly.” he suddenly remembered how soaked his shirt was. “actually a shower first might be better. can anyone help him out?”  his eyes met hyunjin’s immediately. the tall boy seemed to shrink into himself. chan stepped forward. “he needs his best friend jin,” he spoke softly. “this isn’t your fault.”  he seemed to read the other’s mind. 

hyunjin nodded and took a deep breath. chan spoke again, “alright everyone back to bed, we will talk about this again later. for now get some rest.” everyone headed back to their respective sleeping areas. 

changbin knelt down by the couch and  grabbed felix’s hand, “you’ll be okay, hyung will help you.” his mouth formed a watery smile as felix squeezed his hand. he got up and left the room. 

the remaining three were quiet. hyunjin broke the silence taking a deep breath, “i’ve got him hyung, i’ll take care of him.” he walked forward to give chan a quick hug. “you need rest too.” he squeezed his shoulder and sent him away, his sole focus now on felix.

he kneeled by the couch. reaching out a hand he lightly brushed the hair out of felix’s eyes, “cmon lets get you cleaned up and into bed.” he lifted the boy into his arms, feeling a pang in his heart at how light he was. 

he carried him into the bathroom and set him down on the the toilet seat. hyunjin peeled off felix’s tshirt and the rest of his clothing.  once he was completely undressed (save his boxers for privacy) he noticed how badly the other was shivering. hyunjin quickly started the shower and led him to the stream of hot water. felix sighed when he felt the warm stream against his back. 

hyunjin started to close the curtain but was stopped by a hand grabbing his own. he stared at the other with raised eyebrows. felix was looking up at him through heavy lids, blinking slowly. he squeezed his hand in a silent plea. 

hyunjin got the message and quickly undressed as well. he stepped under the water and wordlessly began to help the small boy wash up. he massaged shampoo into his hair gently, careful not to get any in his eyes. noticing his legs shake hyunjin grabbed his shoulder to hold him steady. he took his other hand and massaged soap down his arms and back, touching him like he was made of glass. felix was pliant under his hands, trusting his friend to take care of him.

when hyunjin was done they both stood in silence. felix turned around to face him and moved forward until they were inches apart. he dropped his head on the other’s shoulder with a shaky exhale. his mind was still rung with emotion and guilt from what had happened earlier at practice. too exhausted to speak he reached for hyunjin’s hand and intertwined their fingers. he squeezed it weakly in silent apology. hyunjin seemed to understood and squeezed back gently. he brought their clasped hands up to his lips and gently pressed them into the back of his hand. felix felt his heart race and he let out another shaky breath. hyunjin wrapped his arm tighter around his torso, reaching up to stroke his back lightly. they both stood under the water a minute longer, enjoying the intimate moment.

hyunjin switched off the water and led felix out, wrapping him in a towel and sitting him on the edge of the bathtub. he dryed his hair and left briefly to get both of them some clothes. he came back with his favorite blue sweater felix always loved to steal and pulled it over his head. his bottom lip trembled when he noticed what had usually looked slightly oversized and cute on felix now looked completely disproportionate. His friend had lost so much of himself.

hyunjin led them back to the room he shared with seungmin. he shut the lights off and sat against the headboard of the bed. immediately he gathered felix into his arms, facing the boy toward him like a baby. felix put up no fight and only sought the warm comfort of his best friend. he buried his face into his neck, the skin burning as even his lips were cold from malnourishment. hyunjin could overlap his arms with how skinny the boy had gotten. this scared him and he began to sob quietly. he held him close and rocked him, whispering brokenly into his ear. 

“i’m so sorry lix. i’ll help you though this you’ll be okay. i’m sorry.” he held tightly as if the other would slip away. felix let himself be held and silently cried with the other. it was distressing for both of them, but they let their emotions out in safety of each other’s embrace. 

as hyunjin’s sobs died down he  brought his hand up to the felix’s face and cupped his cheek, holding it so gently. thumbing his cheek with his right hand and brushing hair behind his ear with the left, he leaned his forehead against the other’s and spoke slowly, his breath ghosting over the other’s lips. 

“i will always take care of you okay? we take care of each other.” a surge of emotion bubbled up from somewhere deep in his heart. 

“you’re my best friend felix, my favorite person. i’m so sorry for not being able to help you before. but i won’t rest until you are healthy and okay again,” he swallowed, “you’re _my_ felix and i will never let you go.” he could feel tears from the other wet his own cheeks. felix opened his eyes and they weren’t filled with pain. they were shining, glowing with warmth.

felix choked a sob, “jinnie..” he squeezed his eyes shut again not able to get words out. hyunjin leaned up and tenderly pressed his lips to each of felix’s eyelids. lips lingering on his forehead, he felt the other squeeze his shoulder. no words were needed to describe the feeling of care felix felt right then. he didn’t know if he could call it romantic, their relationship. it was more than that. it was different.

it was them.

hyunjin lifted him with ease and brought them down to a lying position, felix still snug in his arms. hyunjin pulled him impossibly close, holding him like he was precious. he let his hands slowly roam over his friend’s entire body. he made sure not an inch of skin was left untouched and unloved. 

hyunjin started to sing softy into his ear, felix always telling him how much he loved his voice. he stopped when he felt the other shaking. 

“no no baby what’s wrong?” 

felix tilted his head up, tears flowing from his eyes again. hyunjin’s heart clenched at the sight. with shining eyes felix looked conflicted. “you make me feel so important. i just-“ he took a shaky breath, “i feel like i don’t deserve it. i feel like i don’t deserve you.” he hung his head and buried it into the others chest. 

hyunjin just pulled him tighter and whispered sweet nothings into his ear. he was heartbroken. “lixie please don’t say that. i love you and you deserve the world. i know you don’t see yourself the way i do, but i will do my best to make you love yourself again.” he ran a hand through his hair, “quiet now baby i’ve got you. just let me take care of you.” 

he started singing again. felix’s breathing eventually slowed and evened out. the tired boy had finally begun to rest. hyunjin let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. he kept a hand running through the boy’s hair, relaxing himself as well at this point. 

and that’s how felix fell asleep, cared for and loved by his best friend. as long as hyunjin was there it would be okay. he would help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hyunlix is life <3  
> might do a second chapter idk. hope you liked it!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they have a meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to write a second chapter!! also tw//descriptions of an eating disorder and talk of starvation. please don’t read if that’s triggering for you! this is just meant to be vent piece for me.

felix was always told he had a contradicting appearance. with his bright eyes and prominent freckles he was easily mistaken for years below his actual age. his teachers used to say that he was like a 30 year old stuck in a teenagers body. his quiet maturity worked well for him. it allowed even his older group members to come to him when they were stressed. he always listened and offered advice, seeming to have everything together.

that’s why the team was so scared. 

none of them thought he would do this again. it was obviously foolish, right? they couldn’t understand why he thought this was a solution to any sort of problem. 

and that’s what chan found himself contemplating that evening while said boy was still sleeping. they had gotten the whole day off after he explained to the manager that they needed a break. their hyung was understanding as they had been working so hard. he was always one to preach the importance of balance. 

“i can hear your thoughts from over here.”

chan was pulled from his racing mind and looked up to see changbin leaning against the doorframe to the living room. he stared blankly at the other as he made his way over to sit beside him on the couch. 

changbin took a breath, “hyung wern’t we supposed to have a meeting, to discuss felix? it’s almost 10pm.”

chan sighed. “yeah i just.. i just don’t really know what to do bin. i feel like we completely blew it off last time. that we were the ones that let it get bad again. if we had just,“ he swallowed heavily. “if _i_ had just paid more attention. if i hadn’t let my anger out on him at practice..” he took a few quick breaths and dropped his head in his hands. changbin rubbed a hand up and down his back. 

“hey it’s not your fault okay? listen, none of us are very experienced with any of this. are you forgetting we’re all about the same age? times be damned chan, you may have a few years on us but we’re all still just kids at the end of the day. you weren’t given a handbook when you started this team. we figure it out as we go along, and this is just a learning experience. felix will be okay and we’ll help him get there. it’ll take time but we will listen and try to understand what he’s going through. we all have our stuff,” he paused. “this is just.. a bit different. uncharted territory. but we’re a team and can figure it out together. you have us to help you, okay?” 

chan looked up and stared at his friend in awe. he wordlessly leaned forward to wrap his arms around the other, muffling into his shoulder, “thanks binnie. i forget you can be smart sometimes.” he was met with a harsh slap to his back. 

he pulled back smirking and changbin whined, “can’t we ever have a nice moment hyung?” chan chuckled with fondness in his eyes. 

“really, thank you bin. now let’s get the others in here and then we’ll bring felix in. i want everyone’s input on how we should approach this.”

soon the members (sans felix and hyunjin) were gathered and seated in their respective spots on the couches and floor. the room was fairly quiet, everyone in varying degrees of exhaustion. some had obviously not been able to sleep or relax since the morning’s events. chan eventually cleared his throat gathering everyone’s attention.

“okay, obviously we’re having this meeting to discuss felix and how to best help him through the issue he’s dealing with.” 

minho snorted. “you mean his eating disorder.” changbin glared at him and chan just swallowed. 

“yeah, that.” he glanced around the room. “look i’m just gonna be honest here. i feel completely out of my element you guys. i don’t know anything about eating issues or where to even begin helping someone with them. i don’t know if we should try to take charge or if we should tell the company and send him to treatment..” he trailed off hardly keeping his emotions at bay. “i don’t know how to help him or what to do. i’m lost.” he hung his head. the members looked at him with concern.

after a beat minho spoke up, “i may have some imput. when i was a trainee at a different company i had a friend who was going though something similar. we were never that close but we shared a dorm. i remember how he became incredibly thin and the company sent him to a treatment center. it worked for the weight aspect but his mental state was seriously messed up after. he came back with so much anxiety he eventually had to leave the company to go back home. he gave up his dream because people were so focused on the quick fix of making him eat again, as if it were that simple. they didn’t pay attention to the mental part of the disorder. and everything was forced upon him without his consent. what went wrong last time is that we tried to do the same thing by forcing felix to eat. i think the key will be nudging him in the right direction but never forcing him to do anything. he has to be the one to want to try, all we can do is show our support. and if nothing we do helps and he continues to get worse, that’s when we get outside help.”

Chan stared at him. “wow i mean.. yeah. i’m sorry your friend went through that.” minho nodded. 

“but are you sure we shouldn’t at least get him a therapist? it feels kind of wrong to not have him talk to someone.” 

minho shook his head. “we have to see if he is even willing to see anyone first. if he refuses our help then we have no other choice, but we have to give him the chance to try on his own again. we don’t want to take his freedom away.”

“okay good point.” chan scanned the room. “so we try and help him ourselves first.” everyone nodded. “great okay um,” he realized he was lost again. “moving forward. maybe we can come up with a set of rules we can work with him on?” minho shook his head again. 

“he has probably created so many rules around food already, we don’t want to add to that. less structure might me better.”

chan sighed, “okay another good point.” the room went quiet again. he didn’t know where to go from here. feeling a hand on his knee and looked over at changbin.

“honestly hyung we probably won’t get anywhere without knowing what’s going on in felix’s head. maybe we should just listen to what he has to say and see what we can get him to agree too.”

chan rubbed his eyes. “yeah you’re probably right.” he sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. “jisung can you please go get them?” the younger nodded and stood up to retrieve the sleeping pair. 

jisung stood by the door debating wether he should knock or not. he decided against it and pushed slowly letting the hallway light flood in. he walked over to hyunjins bed and found two nestled beneath the covers. only hyunjin was awake, eyes half closed and hand playing with the felix’s hair. hyunjin glanced up at the intruder and locked eyes with jisung. they shared thoughts without speaking, hyunjin nodding and jisung leaving to give them some privacy.

hyunjin turned his attention back to felix and let his hand resume its gentle hair playing. the light from the door illuminated half of his features, the rest cast in dark shadow. he looked ethereal in that moment. hyunjin traced his finger along the shadow and sighed. he didn’t want to wake the other and bring him back to reality. he would let him sleep through the next week if he could. 

he reluctantly shook him gently and  whispered, “lixie, time to get up.”

felix merely whined and snuggled deeper into his chest. hyunjin smiled. “no lix we gotta go talk to the others.” he was met with a groan.

“don’t wanna.”

“i know baby but we have to. i’ll carry you there.” 

“i’m not a baby.” felix blinked up blearily at him. hyunjin looked at him with wide eyes and grabbed his cheeks, squishing them.

“yes. you are.” 

he looked so serious in that moment that felix snorted. hyunjin giggled giving him a playful tickle down his side. “if you don’t get up i’ll jump on you again.” felix let out a weak laugh and tried to fight off his offender. hyunjin gave up easily and surrendered his hand, letting the felix intertwine their fingers. the boy looked up, breathless with a more serious expression and swallowed. 

“thank you jinnie for everything last night. you always take such good care of me,” his voice wobbled. “i’m sorry for hurting you at practice.” there were tears in his eyes. hyunjin’s face fell. he brushed the hair away from his eyes and held the side of his face.

“felix listen to me. you did not hurt me, you are the one that’s hurting,” his eyes were determined. “you don’t have to apologize to me for being in pain.” felix just looked down and hyunjin felt his heart sink. he would fix this. 

he rolled over the top of other and off the edge of the bed, offering his hand as he stood up. “c’mon we better not keep them waiting.” felix groaned and slowly pushed himself up, but was immediately met with white vision. he put his head in his hands and hyunjin crouched down, worried.

“lix you alright? let’s just take this slow, ill carry you.” he turned around and felix climbed onto his back. “better?” he felt a nod against his shoulder. 

they made their way to the living room, feeling the eyes of every member as they entered. he dropped felix down next to seungmin on the couch and he took his place on the other side of him. 

no one said anything for a good 15 seconds before felix broke the tension, “can we get this going before i fall asleep sitting here?” everyone smiled and a few snorts were heard.

“right felix, how are you feeling?” chan began. 

“tired.” 

“ah,” he scratched the back of his head. “understandable. well let’s just get right to it. you’re unwell and you haven’t been eating, presumably. can you tell us why?you never needed to lose weight.”

obviously he said the wrong thing because felix’s eyes widened and he let out a sharp laugh. “hah. right yeah, because i made it that way.” everyone looked confused. 

“what do you mean?” chan asked. 

_ what are you doing? don’t tell them your secrets don’t ruin us.  _

_ no, shut up they should know. i want to get better.  _

_ better? the only way to get better is to lose more felix. you’re still fat remember. _

felix shook his head. “shut up, shut up.”

“felix?” hyunjin rubbed his shoulder, voice laced with worry.

“nevermind. i’ve been fine just not very hungry.” felix mumbled.

even more confused chan asked again, “no it’s not nothing, felix what do you mean you made it that way?”

closing his eyes felix took a deep breath. _what do you really have to lose?_ he forced himself to speak, “i’ve been counting my calories so i don’t gain any weight. i never look like i need to lose any because i’ve been extremely careful to maintain. and it’s been fine you all seemed to be fine with it.”

changbin spoke up this time. “what are you talking about how could we be fine with that? and you’re not just counting calories, you’re not eating at all now. you’re not maintaining you lost like 20 pounds.” felix flinched at his tone. 

“ow!” changbin yelped. minho had hit him in the arm.

minho turned to face felix and spoke in a soft tone, “what he means is, simple restrictriction doesn’t cause people to loseweight so quickly. it’s obvious you stopped eating completely. did something happen to make you feel like you needed to lose more weight? and don’t tell me you just weren’t hungry we all know that’s not true.” 

_ shit.  _ felix was caught in a corner and his breathing started to picked up. “i don’t want to talk about it.” he looked down. 

chan spoke again, “i know you don’t and i don’t want to make you, but you can barely stand right now lix and we have to do something. how can you dance with us if you have no energy?”

_ he makes a good point.  _

_ yeah but have you seen the comments you idiot? they still hate you. _

“what? who hates you?” 

not realizing he said the last part aloud felix snapped his head up in shock.

chan was looking at him with fire in his eyes. “hate comments felix? why are you looking at those!” his stern tone made felix jump and his breathing ran even faster. 

hyunjin felt the boy start to shake. “felix!” he looked pale. 

changbin turned to his side “hyung! calm down don’t upset him further.” chan blinked and looked down, shoulders tensed. he had hurt the boy twice in two days.  what kind of leader was he?

taking a deep breath he raised his head. “wait i’m sorry okay just, what did the comments say felix?” 

silence.

“did they comment about your weight felix?” chan tried again. felix started trembling harder.

“okay i think this is enough-” hyunjin started. 

chan quickly interrupted, “no listen i know this is hard felix and it kills me to upset you but i have to try and figure this out. we have to figure out how to help you.” chan’s voice wavered. he was struggling to keep a strong presence when he had zero idea how to go about this. 

what he said seemed to have worked because felix spoke a moment later.

“they called me fat. they called me fat and a pig and said that i was holding the group back.” his eyes were tearing up. “everyone was saying how i was worthless. hundreds of comments going on and on about my flaws. but they made me see the truth. i’m not good enough. so i decided to lose more weight and practice harder to be better. but after i lost the weight the comments kept coming so i tried to practice even harder. but then-“ he let out a sob. “but then minho hyung yelled at me and chan hyung you- you said i was holding everyone back. and then when i _did_ do the dance right you still seemed mad and then i pushed jinnie and left. but i thought it would be okay, that i could apologize. but when i came back everyone was..” his voice broke, “everyone was gone. you all left me..” he turned into hyunjin’s chest and cried hard. 

everyone in the room felt a wave of guilt consume them. chan’s face was contorted on pain. they had caused this..  _he_ had caused this.

“felix i’m so sorry.” he tried not to let his voice break. what he had done was irreversible. he sheepishly got up and went to kneel in from of the sobbing boy. he placed a hand on his knee and was met with a flinch. his heart clenched.

“felix listen they were all just following my lead okay? i thought you just needed time to cool off and i didn’t want to make anything worse so i had everyone go home. i didn’t.. i wasn’t thinking of you or how it would affect you. i’m sorry felix i’m so so sorry. please just be mad at me i’m the one who left you, don’t be upset at anyone else.”

“hyung-” changbin began but was cut off by the raise of chan’s hand. 

“felix i know i can’t make it up to you but i promise i will try to be a better leader for you.” felix pulled away from hyunjin to face chan. 

“you hurt me hyung.” 

chan felt his world shatter. “i am more sorry than you’ll ever know felix, i..” his voice did crack this time and tears streamed down his face. felix leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his neck. chan shook his head. he didn’t deserve this.

“please don’t leave me again hyung.” felix sobbed into his neck. chan held him tighter, afraid he would slip away. 

“i promise.”

minho spoke up from across the room, “i’m sorry too lix, i was just in a bad mood at practice. that’s was no excuse to talk to you the way i did though.. i’m so sorry i yelled at you.” felix pulled back from chan and looked over at him. 

“it’s okay hyung,” he sniffled. minho widened his eyes.

“no. no it’s not okay. no one should talk to you like that and i won’t do it again. i will be better for you.” felix felt warmth bloom in his chest.

“thank you, truly.” he gave him a small smile and minho’s eyes lit up. felix turned back to chan, who still looked pained. 

“felix i need you to understand that i was completely wrong in what i said at practice. you have never held us back. you never will and i can’t believe i said what i did. i don’t expect your forgiveness but i need you to believe what i say now is true.” he looked him deep in the eyes. “we wouldn’t be here without you.” felix felt his eyes sting at the sincerity of his words. he still didn’t believe that he wasn’t a burden, but chan sure made him believe in something. he gave the older a small smile and squeezed his hand. he leaned back into the couch exhausted. chan slowly stood up and went back to his original seat. all of the members looked to him, eyes wet with emotion. he gathered himself quickly and put back on a face of authority. now that everything was out in the air they could move forward. 

the group talked for an hour, asking felix questions and coming up with compromises. no social media for a few weeks, and he had to try to eat at least part of every meal with them. he didn’t have to eat more than he was comfortable with. trying was the important thing. 

he surprisingly agreed to see a therapist. some part of him knew he wouldn’t be able to get through this without professional help. the members would try and offer him support and help change his mindset surrounding food. they would make an effort to all eat together and make meals not about food, but about spending time together. and after an hour of discussion everyone left feeling hopeful. felix felt hopeful.

~~~

back in hyunjin’s bed felix laid with his head on the other’s chest. the rhythmic heartbeat and hand running through his hair lulled him in and out of consciousness. he felt calm and content for the first time in months, knowing his team would be there for him. it was scary but he had trust in his friends. he had trust in his best friend. he sighed and snuggled closer to hyunjin.

he would be okay.


End file.
